I Am A Dirtball And So Can You

 

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In case you haven’t noticed, I hate to wash my hair. Hate it like the Kardashians secretly hate each other. Over the years, I’ve perfected my dirtballness to where some people either can’t tell I’m disgusting or are too polite to say anything about it. The secret to my success? There’s a few.

My number one is probably not for everyone, but I fry the shit out of my hair. It is bleached within an inch of its life. This gives it texture and fluffiness that aids in it not looking like an oil slick three days out from a shampoo. To maintain my pastel hair color, I really have to take an only-when-absolutely-necessary approach to shampooing or I’d be coloring it every other week. I do not have time for that. Continue reading

Saturday Swears

While participating in #NaBloPoMo, I will be doing a few weekly themed posts so I don’t have to think so hard some days. Happy Saturday Swears, folks! I’m going to keep this theme pretty loose. Maybe I’ll post about swearing, my favorite national pastime. Maybe I’ll just swear a whole bunch. Maybe I’ll just post one big swear in a bold and enlarged font. Surprises are fun!


 

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My sisters and I, five or six years ago. My mom posted this on Facebook once as a birthday present to me.

 

Swearing is one of my favorite things in the world. Call me immature, I don’t care (and I’ll call you a dipshit.) When I’m mad, it makes me happier. When I’m happy, it makes me happier. I would like it on a fucking boat. I would like it on a goddamn goat. I would have cussed in my wedding vows except it was really hot that day and it was all outdoors and we had a pretty limited alcohol selection so I ultimately decided not to piss my grandmother off further.

I thought that for this first post, I would talk about just my favorite swears. But then I realized that’s like asking me to pick my favorite child. I have one, but my public answer is that they’re all my favorites. Continue reading

I Bought A Minivan And Wrote You A Recipe

It is almost 10:30pm and we just got home from driving the kids to Philly to buy a minivan and I’m tired AF. I’m jazzed as hell to be the owner of a minivan because driving a Corolla with two rear-facing car seats in the back has pushed my knees up to the dashboard.

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Gonna fill all that glorious trunk space with so much shit from IKEA.

Speaking of IKEA, here’s a recipe for quinoa and black bean enchiladas that will rock your face off your face. Continue reading

Throwback Thursday: Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

While participating in #NaBloPoMo, I will be doing a few weekly themed posts so I don’t have to think so hard some days. Thus, I bring you the first of a November of Throwback Thursday posts, in which I tell stories about dumb things I did as a child or teen since I cannot be prosecuted for those things anymore (I think.)

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When I was at the height of my preschool years– or maybe kindergarten, I wasn’t counting– my mom took me to my first concert. It was lit.

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I was a big Sharon, Lois, and Bram fan. We called ourselves ShaLoBras. That was monogrammed on the hats we used to protect our faces when kids at school kicked the snot out of us for being dorks that watched a show about an elephant and three adults who were way too old to still be doing that shit.

For those of you not familiar, Sharon, Lois, and Bram had a television show that also starred what I am assuming was an adult in an elephant costume. It aired on Nickelodeon many, many years before Sponge Bob and was pretty popular. You never knew who the hell any of their guest stars were because the show was actually Canadian. I am not sure about the elephant’s nationality. Continue reading

I Really Miss My Maternity Pants

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Halligan is coming up on 18 months, and I am still very much in my post-baby jeans. This is not an actual problem. Bodies change when they go through the shit it takes to make and birth a person. They go through even more shit when you make and birth a second person. But I’m not going to pretend like it’s not frustrating that it’s been much harder this time around to get myself back in shape.

After August was born, I started Weight Watchers. I lost probably ten pounds that way, but it took several months. Later, I got a personal trainer and an elliptical machine. Lost about five more. A year later, I participated in an eight-week challenge with my Stroller Strides group and got in the best shape of my life. I was happier at that point than I ever was with my body pre-baby, and I weighed more than I did pre-baby as well. Continue reading