I Am A Dirtball And So Can You

 

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In case you haven’t noticed, I hate to wash my hair. Hate it like the Kardashians secretly hate each other. Over the years, I’ve perfected my dirtballness to where some people either can’t tell I’m disgusting or are too polite to say anything about it. The secret to my success? There’s a few.

My number one is probably not for everyone, but I fry the shit out of my hair. It is bleached within an inch of its life. This gives it texture and fluffiness that aids in it not looking like an oil slick three days out from a shampoo. To maintain my pastel hair color, I really have to take an only-when-absolutely-necessary approach to shampooing or I’d be coloring it every other week. I do not have time for that.

Even if you’re not willing to woefully damage your hair, there’s still hope. Dry shampoo is every dirtball’s best friend. A few quick sprays each morning and I’ve got hair that smells like a dryer sheet and not like my body is shedding skin cells. It soaks up the oil and once I work it through my roots, it wakes my style up with a little volume. Even if you do wash your hair pretty regularly, you need to grab a bottle.

Dirty hair is not going to work as well for someone with very fine and straight hair. It is really helpful that mine has some wave to it and it’s fairly thick. I can get away with messy styles, which are essential for once you’re past the phase where you can still wear your hair down. Throwing a braid or two in the sides and gathering my hair into a messy bun is my go-to. It’s much less noticeable that my hair is dirty if I don’t smooth it down into a neat ponytail. Smoothness shows oil, and I want my only giveaway to be if I missed a piece of food stuck somewhere in there.

When I’m staring down the barrel at a necessary shower but I’m not quite there yet or don’t have the time to scrub 5+ days of gunk off of my head, I turn to Ol’ Reliable, my dirty hair hat. It’s a knit beanie that I toss on when I’m overdue for a shampoo but still need to leave the house. There’s no special trick here except hiding the evidence.

If you’re just starting out, your hair is going to feel gross fast. Give yourself time and start by just adding an extra day between washes. As your hair gets used to the change, it will produce less oil, and you’ll be able to add another day. I’ve been stretching out my hair washes for probably seven or eight years now, and I normally go anywhere from five to eight days between washes. Five is early for me. Eight is really pushing it. Six is probably the sweet spot and once a week is my average.

If you think I am somehow disgusting or gross, you are right. But I also don’t care. If it bothers you a lot, you’re welcome to send me money so I can pay someone to watch my kids and someone else to wash my hair for me. If someone else was washing my hair, I’d probably be the cleanest sonabitch out alive. Someone else washing your hair always feels super nice.

This post was brought to you by #NaBloPoMo or National Blog Post Month. I will be writing a blog post every day for the month of November. I have not washed my hair since starting.

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