Halligan is coming up on 18 months, and I am still very much in my post-baby jeans. This is not an actual problem. Bodies change when they go through the shit it takes to make and birth a person. They go through even more shit when you make and birth a second person. But I’m not going to pretend like it’s not frustrating that it’s been much harder this time around to get myself back in shape.
After August was born, I started Weight Watchers. I lost probably ten pounds that way, but it took several months. Later, I got a personal trainer and an elliptical machine. Lost about five more. A year later, I participated in an eight-week challenge with my Stroller Strides group and got in the best shape of my life. I was happier at that point than I ever was with my body pre-baby, and I weighed more than I did pre-baby as well.
This time around, oof. It has been a combination of longer days, being tired, actually doing shit around the house so it’s not a full-blown hellhole (only kind of one) and flat-out not getting on track with my eating habits. I’ve done a lot more emotional eating and “reward” eating after this last pregnancy, and it’s been hard to get out of. Especially with the depression and anxiety I’ve been dealing with.
I had to quit Stroller Strides because Halligan will not do anything besides rage at me if she’s in an unmoving stroller. Tried joining a gym with childcare, but she cries the whole time that I have abandoned her for my health. I try working out at home during the day and if she’s awake, she’s having a tantrum on the floor because I’m doing something that doesn’t involve reading her a book or making her a snack. The only time she doesn’t seem to be yelling at me is if she’s snuggling into me, which I am taking to mean that she likes me squishy and is actively fighting against any effort on my part to be less so.
So I have joined Weight Watchers again and I’m doing it with my sister this time. I don’t have time for meetings, which were really helpful before, and going it alone online is a disaster for me. I need the accountability. So it’s helping to have a partner. Also, I’m getting up at 5am twice a week for a high-intensity Stroller Strides class that is sans-stroller called Body Back. It is a literal ass kicker and I love it, even though I have to be in bed by 830pm the night before. I’m still having trouble making time for exercise outside of this class, but at least I’ve got something.
For me, losing weight and getting in shape after a baby isn’t so much about the aesthetics, though I’d be lying if I said that had nothing to do with it. A bigger part is feeling some control again. Babies can throw you into a tailspin in pretty much all aspects of life, and this is the one that feels the best when I’ve got a handle on it. The goal isn’t skinny. The goal isn’t to fit into all my pre-baby clothes because I have burned most of them. The goal is to feel healthy and strong and to have the energy to do this mom thing. If my butt looks good as a result, I’m not going to complain.
This post has been brought to you by #NaBloPoMo, or National Blog Post Month. I will be writing a new blog post every day until November 30 or until I am no longer funny, whichever comes first.