Probably the Same Feeling Mufasa Felt When He Fell on all Those Wildebeests

When Adam left for Colorado a couple months ago, the main thing that got me through three and a half weeks alone with a hellion and a fresh-out-the-uterus baby was knowing I was going to spend an entire weekend in a hotel by myself when he got back. I haven’t been alone for more than a few hours in over three years. That’s the case for pretty much all parents when they start parenting, but I’m weak. So I booked a hotel, not far away, for the sole purpose of spending 48 hours watching TV and eating pizza and taking baths and stuffing my face with waffles and sleeping. I was ready to swim in a pool and go get a pedicure and pack my running shoes so I could pretend I was going to use the fitness center and smuggle a bunch of breakfast pastries back to my room for second breakfast and elevensies.

I got the house nice and clean before I left. Had dinner ready and on the table, and when Adam got home from work I kissed him goodbye and smooched my babies and then ran as fast as I could to my car and I think I Disney villian-laughed. And just as I was about to start my car, I realized I didn’t have my wallet. Ran inside to get it, haha silly me hahaHAHAHA. Spent the next hour trying to find it. Drove to Target, the last place I had it, twice to look for it. Adam went there and watched security footage with the manager of me getting into my car in the parking lot, wallet in hand.

That was a month ago and we never found my wallet and I spent the weekend ugly crying because I was so close to pizza and beer and free breakfast and then it was snatched from me and replaced with an urge to take a knife to every couch cushion in my house so I could search the stuffing because how the shit does a huge ass wallet just dis-the-shit-appear?

Today, I have a new wallet. And I have new credit cards and a new ID. And I have a new box of Oreos in my trunk, just waiting to be crushed up and injected between my toes. And my wallet is under close surveillance. Tomorrow, I ride off into the sunset. I shall return from my mid-range business hotel that has HBO and some promising food in delivery-range, a new woman with a revived soul.

Seriously, nobody touch my goddamn wallet.


3 thoughts on “Probably the Same Feeling Mufasa Felt When He Fell on all Those Wildebeests

  1. I’m guessing you threw it out with the Target trash, I say so because I’ve done it on two occasions. Yep, I dug through the trash twice and found it there. Have a nice trip 🙂

    1. I wish I could have found it via dumpster diving, but we keep all our Target bags. They’re nice and sturdy for cat litter-scooping. It straight up vanished.

      1. Ooh — you probably have the same mysterious their that visits our house and steals things like socks, underwear, clothes, random dishes, etc. haha Seriously, I’m sorry your wallet got lost, that bites 😦

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