This is What Happens When You Drink a Whole Bottle of Champagne While Cleaning and Then Try to Blog

Since Adam has been back from Colorado, my house has been dirty as balls. Filthy. Don’t even wanna look at it. It embarrasses me without anyone even seeing that shit. I mean, I was up to my eyeballs in newborn and preschooler business while he was gone and then he came home and I was crazy busy and also tired as hell. Then August, Halligan and I all got sick and the whole house got covered in a shiny layer of snot. I don’t really blame myself because itΒ  was straight bullshit over here.

Then I decided to drink an entire bottle of $7 champagne by myself tonight and clean and it might be the booze talking, but this house is beautiful and this is the best thing I have ever done. There’s a pumpkin spice candle in my trunk waiting to be the icing on my house cake. It’s raining so I made sure I bought all non perishables at Target so I could leave them in my trunk overnight until a dryer time. My trunk probably smells delicious right now. If you are reading this and a thief STAY OUT MY DAMN TRUNK.

I drank my way through dishes, through washing bottles, through wiping down the counter tops and sorting through the junk piles in our living room. I have barely cooked in like a month but somehow my stove was caked in enough shit that I drank a ton while scrubbing that sucker down. Drunk cleaning is the best cleaning because it’s like looking at my house with beer goggles. My house looks like the hottest bitch on the block right now. And when the bottle is empty I can just say “I did my work,” and roll to bed, even if I am nowhere near done and have hours of sober work left to do.

I also found out tonight that writing thank you notes for your kid’s birthday party while drunk is the best and I will never write a sober thank you note again for the rest of my life. If you receive a sober thank you note from me in the future, just know I tried really hard to make it sound like that. I am pretty sure it was obvious in all these notes that I was three sheets to your mom, but just in case anyone didn’t quite catch on, I included Post-It notes that said “I am drunk!” One friend got August a subscription to National Geographic and it felt really good to have the liquid courage to write “Rupert Murdoch is such a butthole,” on a Post-It to his mom.

Wanna be crazy productive? I have some tips on putting the KonMari method to shame. The tip is drink a whole bottle of champagne and then clean out a closet. I knew I had a lot of shit in our front hall closet, but I didn’t realize I had two garbage bags of coats. I got rid of probably seven or eight coats tonight because it is stupid to have that many coats. I’m down to two dressy coats, and I have two instead of one because one is a standard peacoat but one is a red coat that is hot as shit and I love it. Then I have one casual fall coat and one casual puffy-ass fat lady coat that will keep me nice and warm when El NiΓ±o comes to frostbite my ass. And there are four hoodies left because I did a lot tonight and I just don’t feel like dealing with those damn hoodies. So there you go. The NPW method of cleaning. Way better than KonMarie because you are champagne drunk and champagne drunk is the best drunk and it sparks all your damn joy. Sparks it straight to hell.

Hope you enjoyed this drunk post that I will possibly regret come morning. Now go get drunk and clean your own living space so this can be a thing. Anything else you would like me to do drunk? Leave it in the comments. Don’t be a pervert. SEACREST OUT.


7 thoughts on “This is What Happens When You Drink a Whole Bottle of Champagne While Cleaning and Then Try to Blog

  1. Yup! You’ve found the roots to alcoholism. Everything feels and looks better while drunk. As someone who dislikes cleaning but likes to have a clean house, has a husband who travels, an appreciation for beverages, and a need to write, I’ve enjoyed this very much. Thanks for sharing. I am tempted to drink ‘n clean now but fear it may just be too damn fun which would result in sober cleaning becoming even less fun…

  2. My favorite part was the drunk post it. Rupert Murdoch is a butt hole! Haha. I wrote my Christmas cards drunk last year. It was the best. I felt i was honest and didn’t put pressure on myself to write perfectly or say the perfect thing. I was honest and sweet and sloppy and I thought they were great. No one said either way….. so whatever.

  3. Oh yea…and I found this by googling ‘ is drinking a bottle of champagne bad for you ‘. Haha. I’m super bored…and drink a bottle like once or twice a month. Maybe more in stressful months.

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