“Get Some Sleep Before the Baby Gets Here HAHAHA!” PunchKickStab.

We are at 29 weeks over here. When I say “we,” I mean me, the fetus, and my thighs. Adam and I are not one of those “We are pregnant,” couples. At least not after the initial first week or so of puking. I am pregnant. I am irrationally crying when there is no milk in the fridge. I am scratching my belly where I know some delightful, bright red stripes are preparing to appear. I am packing a change of clothes in the diaper bag for myself because I now pee my pants more often than our two-year old. I am growing outward from every part of my body; expanding like my very own little universe, forever and ever in every direction. There is no we in pregnant. If you rearrange the letters, there’s a tarp, which is about all that fits me these days.

Sleep is at a minimum. I was really hoping I could have a few more weeks to get six or more uninterrupted hours, but that does not seem to be in the cards. The Usurper is sleeping awesome. I never feel nighttime kicks. But don’t worry! Every other part of my body is conspiring against me to make up for it. I’m woken up several times a night by one of the many acts of betrayal my body is hurling at me.

Heartburn. I keep Tums on my nightstand and I pop those babies like they’re m&ms or Valium.

Back pain. Not even my beloved Snoogle can protect me anymore. If I lay in one position too long, I wake up feeling like my bones are made of tiny toothpicks, all threatening to snap. My hips, too. My hips! When I get up, I’m hobbling like a Golden Girl. It probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to wrap myself in ace bandages, just in case my legs actually detach.

I need to pee. I just did, but now I need to go again. I will also need to go again in forty minutes.

Dry mouth. Just in case for some reason, I won’t need to pee in forty minutes, my body has started pulling this nonsense. I wake up with literally no ability to produce saliva, and have to drink a liter of bathroom tap water. See you in twenty, bathroom.

Restless legs. It is very fun to wake up at 3am with an all-consuming urge to kick things. My apologies, Adam.

Braxton Hicks contractions. Just because the baby is keeping quiet doesn’t mean there isn’t a party in my uterus. Frequent pregaming going on in there.

Baby nightmares. Don’t think for a second that my subconscious would be left out of the festivities.  I am jarred awake by dreams of birth. Dreams where two come out are my favorite. They’re usually accompanied by dreams where all my teeth are shattering and falling out in splintered chunks.

So as you can tell, I am in a great mood always. I’m sure I will continue my reign of sunshine throughout the next eleven (ELEVEN?!)(eleven.) weeks.

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6 thoughts on ““Get Some Sleep Before the Baby Gets Here HAHAHA!” PunchKickStab.

  1. I’m on my fourth pregnancy and I have to say I have never hated it as much as I do now. I’m 21 weeks along and I’m dreading all of the crap you are talking about now. I am also the one pregnant not a we. I will punch him in the face if he even tries saying “we” at any point at all in the next 4 months. Well not really but I’d want to. Good luck, you’re further along than I am though you aren’t suffering alone.

    1. Sweet lord. My hat is off to you. I told Adam last night that if he wants more than two kids, he better hope those forget-it-all hormones kick in SOON.

  2. 26 weeks and Ive been bitching all week about lack of sleep. For me its the horrible hip pain from laying on my sides, heartburn, and runny nose. I thought i had more time….And I want to throttle all the people who say “Well this is good practice for when the baby gets here!”

    1. Oh girl. I’m not gonna sugar coat it- nothing prepares you for the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn. I was a basket case. But hopefully, the baby is a good sleeper and you can get some rest as soon as possible. Instead of telling us to sleep, people need to tell you to enjoy the next few weeks with your husband. Adam and I said screw it to some stuff we needed to get done the weekend before I was due, and instead we spent one day driving forever, like hours, to drive by a house Adam ran a race near and loved. Then we got the best hotdogs and shakes of my life, drove home, and saw The Dark Knight Rises. That weekend was one of my favorites of all time, because it was our last as just us, and we decided to goof off and have fun with it. You’re never not going to be parents again for the rest of your lives, which is awesome, but also there are little things to cherish at the end of it. Like being able to go see a movie with no planning beforehand πŸ˜‰

  3. If you’re going to be a universe, I submit that it’s better to expand infinitely in all directions than to collapse into a singularity.

    Also, you look good and are not an infinitely expanding universe.

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