I Brushed My Teeth. I Made Lunch. And Other Things I List at The End of the Day to Pretend I Did Anything.

It might be that Spring is in the air. It might be the extended daylight hours. It might be the Adderall.* But I have been on a crazy person whirlwind of getting shit done today. By getting shit done, I mean I went to another room in my house to get my wallet and brought it back to my computer so I could pay for four things online I have been meaning to pay for, but hadn’t because I don’t have my credit card number memorized and my wallet is always in another room. Productivity! It feels glorious. I’ve also bombarded Adam with no fewer than eleventeen emails today about our calendar, ranging from “Can I get a pedicure this weekend?” to “I know you don’t know when you’re going away for work, but if you had to make a guess that was 100% right, when would you say you would be gone because there are three trips I would like to plan and book in the next hour and I need to know if you will be home or if I should kidnap an au pair.”


"Miss! You look like you could use some Ferrero Rocher. It's in the back..."
“Miss! You look like you could use some Ferrero Rocher. It’s in the back…”


I have a fantastic case of ADD, in case you were wondering. Actual ADD. Not the kind where you watch Parenthood instead of doing every single other thing you’re supposed to be doing and then say “Oh, my ADD,” as an excuse for why you are leaving the pantry and fridge doors ajar at 830pm and declaring that dinner is served.** I go to a doctor, talk to him for five minutes, then he goes “Holy crap,” and throws a bottle of amphetamines at my face that give me the ability to look around my house and at my calendar and see the actual, separate things that are happening and need to happen, and then I can do them. As opposed to when I don’t take meds, then look around my house or at my calendar and  a cat makes a noise and I forget for six consecutive hours that I am responsible for the care of a household and a human life.




Being a stay at home mom has been an 18-month journey of discovering that my motivation for doing much of anything related to being a stay at home mom besides playing with my baby and shopping at Target is -50. Part of that is related to the cycle I have found our home goes through.


Phase One: The house is a little grimey, but no one is coming over this week so it’s not like anyone will see it. Blinders on.


Phase Two: The house is pretty gross. I should probably think about cleaning it.


Phase Three: Maybe I should invite some friends over soon. Then I will have to clean it.


Phase Four: SHIT everyone will be here in ten minutes and I’m still scrubbing the floor WHYGODWHY.


Phase Five: The house is so clean! And there’s leftover cake in the fridge! Ommmmmm.


Phase Six: It is now a week since I cleaned. But it still kind of looks clean. I don’t have to clean it again, yet.


Return to Phase One.


Medicated and in a somewhat rational place, it is still really difficult for me to find the gumption to maintain a household. Even though I have the focus and the time, I end up using that focus and time to fill up Pinterest boards with ways to clean my house if I was actually going to clean it. As great as the internet has been for being able to Google how to get my own blood out of my shirt after August headbutts me in the lip, and finding a recipe for dinner when the only things in our fridge are feta cheese, turkey bacon, grape jelly and some odor-absorbing baking soda, it is also a black hole from which there is no escape if there is so much as a load of socks that need to be washed. Moms of yesteryear had it made. There wasn’t a damn thing on the planet to distract them. That’s why we see images of women in the 50s, vacuuming in heels, made up and put together like they were going to end the night with a fancy dinner at Carrabba’s. It wasn’t unrealistic expectations for women***. They just didn’t have Reddit to suck up two thirds of their day, thus allotting them the time to clean the house, make some gross Betty Crocker recipe for dinner, and still be able to shower and spend two hours applying winged eyeliner.


Son of a bitch.
Son of a bitch.


Now, if you thought this whole spiel was going to end with me getting all hopeful and excited about some internet timer I was going to buy to limit my access to the Game of Thrones wiki or swearing off electronic devices for whatever is left of lent or something, you are an ignorant fool and may kindly see your way out. I am, however, going to clean my house this week because I am having friends over on Friday and right now it looks gross up in here. I just didn’t want to clean right this minute, so I wrote a blog, instead.****


Bye Bye!


* It is wholly and completely, the Adderall.

** I didn’t write this hypothetical scenario from personal experience.*****

*** No, it was totally that.

**** As a long winded explanation to my husband as to why I did nothing today, because I probably won’t start cleaning until after he gets home.

***** I did.




3 thoughts on “I Brushed My Teeth. I Made Lunch. And Other Things I List at The End of the Day to Pretend I Did Anything.

  1. This is really helpful for me, as someone who’s married to someone who sees a psych to get meds to be able to “focus and get shit done” but who I have always been doubtful of his need for medication because the only time he’s been off it was when we had some lovely time together lying around and doing nothing. And when he’s on it, it’s not like he’s cleaning the house or anything, he’s just exercising. Hmm. I gotta get me some of those drugs…

    1. It’s super frustrating. It was great when I was in school, because I had due dates and shit like that to keep me on track, and the meds helped me focus and retain information. But the lack of structure that comes with being a SAHM, is a pain in the ass. I feel like I have the strength of 10 crack addicts, but that doesn’t make me want to dust the living room any more than I did before.

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