I Would Trade All My Eggs, Milk and Toilet Paper For Some Waffle Fries and a Tub of Chocolate Icing

Last night, I went on a few errands. Stocked up on some grocery staples we were low on, fuel for the pellet stove, and beer. I went to the grocery store with sweet visions of macaroni and cheese dancing in my head. But stupid Weight Watchers has programmed my mind into thinking it doesn’t need my precious Blue Box anymore. I’m sitting in my house, which is surrounded by (just estimating) eight feet of snow, and all I want is some goddamn powdered cheese sauce. Speaking of which, I recently saw that my grocery store was selling just the cheese powder. In like a parmesan shaker can thing. I would do lines of that shit off a toilet seat right now. I’m jonesin.


Anyways. It snowed. It’s gonna snow some more. I live in Maryland and we get weather here. I have always loved snow. Mostly because I love snow days and having an excuse to eat gravy with a spoon in front of the tv for an entire day. But this winter, I have realized that without participating in my own at-home version of Man Vs Food, I really only like snow up until I take my Christmas crap down. After that, snow is the worst and we have had a shit ton of the worst in the year 2014. I’m about to order a flame thrower off of Amazon Prime and blowtorch this bitch once it arrives with two-day free shipping.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.
Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.


The only good thing is that the temperature has two numbers instead of one. Double digits, y’all! Every time it has snowed this season, it has been an insane level of cold that I have not experienced in my lifetime on Earth. After the last snow melted a bit and I was loading August into my car, I had to take off my coat because I felt so warm. I thought it must have been in the 40s that day. Turned on my car and saw it was 26 degrees. I was used to a cold that made the twenties feel toasty. So it was always way too cold to take August out to play in. But today, we are in the thirties!


Heat wave!


Adam and I took August out for a bit. We bundled him within an inch of his life, to where he looked like that kid in A Christmas Story that can’t put his arms down. He had a blast just waddling around, picking up snowballs we made and then dropping them, and sitting. One of the kids in our neighborhood put him on their sled and pulled him around for a very short distance, which he loved. Then he fell over because he can’t really bend in 27 layers.


Yelling at the snow to let it know he is there.
Yelling at the snow to let it know he is there.


He was clearly over it at the end, but was super pissed when I brought him back inside. Until I offered him some crackers. Snacks heal all wounds. Now he is napping comfortably. Adam is working out in his underwear. And I am thinking of asking that kid if I can borrow her sled so I can swing through the Sonic drive-thru.


Just want a pile of corn dogs. Nothing crazy.
Just want a pile of corn dogs. Nothing crazy.


I hope you’re reading this from a warm place with electricity and a substantial supply of preservatives and carbs. Let me know what crap you’re eating. I can drool and fantasize over your junk food until the snow melts and I can satisfy my urges.


3 thoughts on “I Would Trade All My Eggs, Milk and Toilet Paper For Some Waffle Fries and a Tub of Chocolate Icing

  1. I am with you on the Weight Watchers train to hell. Two years ago when I hit my goal I rewarded myself with a bag of Doritos Locos tacos and it was all downhill from there. Hence my current situation of starvation to fit back into my snow pants.

    1. Oh man. I might have a Pinterest board dedicated to everything I am going to eat the day I hit my goal.

      But the whole program has super changed the way I go to the grocery store. My eating desires are the same (I want everything fried, covered in cheese, dipped in chocolate). But when I go to the store, even for specific junk food, it seems really unappetizing while I am there and I almost never end up getting it. Which rules in a way but sucks so bad right now because I JUST WANT A FUCKING SLEEVE OF OREOS.

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