Eff This Ess.

Real quick, before I start talking about all my talkings, that button on the right with the cartoon domestic lady on it? Click that shit. Thanks, dudes.

 

And now, back to reality.

 

Son of a bitch, you guys. All the sons of all the bitches, rolled in a shit burrito with gotdamn sauce. I’m still pregnant. And it still blows. Yes yes yes, I am only 38 weeks, but for eff sake. OUT OF ME. I had planned to be done with this nonsense weeks ago. So, according to my calendar, this baby is late.Β Every stupid morning that I wake up, alive, I declare that TODAY is THE DAY. And it never is. So, really, this kid is making a fool out of me. Just listen to your mother, fetus. Freaking please.

 

I was really really sure last week that things were happening. After the false labor, I was convinced that that was the beginning of my body getting ready to make the transition from pregnant to temporarily fat. I went into my OB appointment wondering just how dilated I was going to be, and if I was maybe inducible? “Maybe we are having a baby today!”

 

Maybe nope, idiot. Maybe nope, you are not.

 

This is my cervix.

 

I am butt-ass terrified of having a c-section. My OB does not seem to be trigger-happy with the scalpel, so I know that if I end up getting one, it will be because I need one. But I don’t want to need one. And what if my doctor isn’t around and I get stuck with some idiot trying to make it to happy hour with his doctor bros? I am super scared of not dilating, and needing a c-section because of it, and having some dingus I have never met slicing my abs open, putting my guts in a bowl, and pulling out my baby.

 

So, despite my solid conviction that if alternative medicine worked, it would be called “medicine,” I have started doing all the stupid crap the internet tells me to induce my labor. Here is the scorecard.

 

 

Pushing That Pressure Point On Your Ankle

Horse. Shit. I watched an episode of True Blood AND an episode of Newsroom with all the force in my body behind my thumb, pressing that point. No dice. None.

 

 

Riding a Bike

Granted, I only sat on a bike, and it was in Target. But this was after the ankle-pressing, and after many tries at other things, and no baby. If bikes put you into labor, I should have been able to just say “bike” at that point and had a baby fall out of me.

 

 

 

Eat Fresh Pineapple

I should have been in labor weeks ago. I eat a whole pineapple every few days. Sometimes, I eat a whole pineapple in one day. They are delicious. But they don’t do a damn thing for jumpstarting your labor.

 

 

 

Coitus

It’ll get a baby in you. It won’t get a baby out of you.

 

 

 

Hang Out With A Bunch of Babies

This was just a guess of mine. I thought that maybe if I played with some babies, and was super obvious about it (“Oh wow, we are having so much fun, babies! Too bad my baby isn’t here yet *cough cough* he is missing out on all these car keys and ice cream!”) that maybe the kid would feel left out and make his way into the world. Nope. My kid is too smart for my passive aggressive behavior.

 

 

 

Eat Spicy Food

This was the best I could do. Whatever.

 

 

 

Go For A Walk

I hate moving right now. But I did it anyway. Where did it get me? Nowhere. Well, technically, to the checkout aisle in Wegman’s. But it took forever and did nothing.

 

So there you have it. There is no hope. I am going to be pregnant for the rest of my life and there is nothing I can do about it. Gonna go drown my sorrows in macaroni and cheese.

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10 thoughts on “Eff This Ess.

  1. i found ur blog on pinterest and i just have to say that i think ur funny as shit.i def. get a little excited when i get an email saying theres a new blog to read!

  2. the crankiness is the first stage of labor….go out and enjoy a pedicure, movie, anything… enjoy the not carrying a car seat for the next 2 weeks. safe travels.
    and yes I was as cranky as you the last 2 weeks, I had been on maternity leave and went back to work becuase I was too pissed waiting at home.

    1. I have been in the first stage of labor for 26 years, then. But I am going to savor my time that is not spent carrying that damn carseat.

    1. My mom’s friend and Adam have both been like “Heh heh.. did you see that comment on your blog? Nudge nudge.” But hey, orgasm for all wins.

  3. That was why I had to stop watching “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” – it kept getting my hopes up. “I just thought I had a bit of indigestion, so I went to the doctor for antacids, and they told me I was actually pregnant! Oh, and by the way, I was 10 cm dilated! And the baby was crowning!”

    At each appointment, I really really really wanted to hear, “Hey, you’re already at 8! How long have you been in labor?” To which I would coolly reply, “Labor? Oh, I thought it was just my tummy rumbling.”

    Hopefully it will TOTALLY be JUST LIKE THAT for you.

    1. I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant makes me so hopeful! I keep thinking that maybe labor will be awesome. All these girls think they are just pooping. I am a champion at pooping. If that’s all labor is, count me in.

  4. I feel the same was a you, a C-section is the biggest NO on my birthing plan. But you do what you have to I guess…

    I have your solution though: prenatal massage. My sister had ZERO labor symptoms. She had a massage the night of her due date. Within 8 hours she was in labor and delivered 12 hours later. I am scheduling a massage on my due date as well. Soooo, find a good masseuse and make it happen! But whatever you do, PLEASE don’t drink castor oil. So not smart. Good luck!

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