Adventures In Pregland: Inconvenient Couch Potato Edition

I woke up early as balls today for no good reason, but I was all like, “Whatevs, I’ll get a crapload done today with all this extra daylight at my disposal.”


This was me.




It had the potential to be right, but then I ate every carb in my house for breakfast, and now I’m fighting my body to keep it all down and to remain conscious. This all started because we are out of milk, and instead of just going to buy milk, I lamented over there being no food in the house and that I need to go grocery shopping. You’re all wondering, “Sara, if there is no food in your house, how did you eat so many carbs?” I will tell you. Upon thinking there was no food, I scrounged up every bit of food I could find, and then I ate it all. So we technically had some food. And NOW we have no food. And I have a refined-sugar hangover.


Now, this is me.


What I’m trying to say is, I should be cleaning the kitchen and setting up shit in the nursery, but instead I am sitting on my couch. So I bring you, Adventures In Pregland.


+I have been doing an utter shitload of laundry for this kid. I have some awesome friends that gave me their hand-me-downs, plus an eff-ton of clothes that we got at my baby shower. Not to mention all the blankets and burp cloths and bibs and all the other shiz babies need. And the tiny socks. My whole life is covered in tiny socks. And I keep thinking that I have lost one and then I find an idiot cat with a tiny sock stuck to his paw. Idiots.



I would be less irritated if the situation happened cute like this.


Anycrap, you’re not supposed to use regular detergent on baby stuff. They have special rude baby skin that gets all pissed off if you try to do anything normal. So you need special rude baby detergent. Which I thought I got. I picked up some kind that had the word “natural” on it somewhere and that seemed golden to me. I’m almost done washing, finally. Most of what the kid has is hung up or folded and put away and that makes me feel good. And I decide to redo my google search because I hate feeling good and I am curious if I am using the right detergent.


You already know what I’m going to say. Of course I am not using the right detergent. The detergent that says natural on it makes a more special one for babies, so the one I have been using on 303305 loads of really tiny stuff is not special enough. Son of a shit, guys. Just shitballs on a shitstick with dipshit sauce.


+OB appointments are now on a weekly basis, and I’m almost at 37 weeks. Guess what happens at your 36 week appointment that no one told me about? You get a q-tip in your butt.


In. Your butt.


My OB also said I’m measuring at 39 weeks instead of 36 weeks. So let’s get this show on the road, tiny human. Scootch! Get out of my hugerus.


+The line for What Parts of My Body Are Considered My Lower Half now starts above my belly button. Haven’t seen my bellybutton in ages. It itches like a sonabitch, but I can’t see the thing. Only with a mirror. Also, note to past-self: That belly button ring you thought was super cute when you finished high school? The one that your body rejected after a year? The one that left a not awful, but still bigger than you would have liked, scar? That scar is now the size of a nickel and the cuteness:size ratio is way the hell off. Listen to your mother.





3 thoughts on “Adventures In Pregland: Inconvenient Couch Potato Edition

    1. I go back and forth between feeling like it’s all right around the corner and like I’ve still got FOREVER. Modern medicine needs to get its shit together and start handing out exact due dates.

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