Leaving My Front Door Unlocked in Hopes That Robbers Take All My Crap So I Don’t Have to Put It All Away.

This week has been so pregnant. I’m either about to be 29 weeks or 30 weeks. I don’t even remember. The first portion of this pregnancy slugged by like the stupidest slug. Probably because I was pukey and felt like a pile of crap and hardly ever left the house. Once I hit 20 or so weeks, everything jumped into hyper speed and the weeks are flying by. I was stoked on that part until recently, when I realized Adam and I are nowhere near ready and we only have 10 or 11 weeks left. Those are terrifying numbers for me to write down, by the way.

Yesterday morning, my bladder woke me up at 415am and I waddled into the bathroom in a half-asleep stupor. And I peed forever. FOREVER. And in my half-asleep stupor, my brain was like “This is so much pee. This can’t all be pee… ERMAHGERD MY WATER BROKE MAYDAY MAYDAY!!!”

And that thought woke me the hell up, immediately. And then I realized I was just peeing and that I am an idiot. But then my next thought rocked me like a hurricane. If this baby comes early, I am so screwed. All that energy that I had to start organizing and getting the house baby-ready? I had it long enough to pull everything out of every closet and drawer and bat cave in this house. And then it effed off before I could put stuff away. It’s a war zone over here, guys. Everything makes me tired. Sitting makes me tired. I have taken to praying to Saint Niecy to give me the strength.

Her Holiness

I intended to spend all of yesterday getting some serious ish done around the house, and I had the energy to organize a junk drawer in the kitchen and to do some dishes. And then all my energy went into sitting and doing some really serious ugly crying. I spent the day majoring in Ugly Cry with a concentration in HuhHuhHuhUGHHHHH.

This is me.
This is me.
This is me.
This is me.
This is me.
This is me.
This is me.

It is 300% likely that this was my very biggest instance of too many pregnancy hormones. But I still spent the majority of the hours feeling like I had bricks on my chest. And that is an annoying ass feeling. So I guess I am sort of taking back my eviction notice that I had issued to the tiny human a few weeks ago. While I am super excited to meet him and hang out with him and have my boobs gnawed to pieces, and to also feel some semblance of ownership over my body again, I’m okay with him taking his time to hightail it outta my uterus. At least until I have this house ready. Then I am over it again and I’ll start blasting “Call Me Maybe” onto my belly or I will smoke him out or something.


Adam didn’t call me to come get lunch with him and his friends today when they finished playing frisbee like he usually does, because he thought I was still yard saling today. I cried. And then my mouth stuck in an exaggerated frown when I stopped crying. And then I cried again. I’m pretty sure I will cry over this more at least three times in the coming hour. These hormones are too real for me. What the hell do pregnant women do with all these feelings when they can’t drown them in beer?? I really hope I don’t forget that this season of Game of Thrones is over so I don’t sob myself into oblivion when I go to watch a new episode.


7 thoughts on “Leaving My Front Door Unlocked in Hopes That Robbers Take All My Crap So I Don’t Have to Put It All Away.

  1. I was doing mostly fine until a friend pointed out that I’m only 26 days away. Less than a month to learn all there is to know about babies. I haven’t hit the clean-the-entire-house phase that I hear happens as part of the nesting thing, but I am furiously reading this giant 700+ page Baby Book that tells you all you need to know from birth to 2 years old. Every paragraph makes me freak out. Why did I spend 8 months learning about pregnancy and birth and not learn about babies??! I’m an idiot. I’m half hoping she doesn’t come early so I can get all smart first, but half hoping she does so my vagina won’t have to push out a 10-pounder.

    1. ALL OF THIS. I didn’t even think about reading about actual babies. What the shit is wrong with me. WHY IS ANYONE LETTING ME HAVE A KID. We are taking an infant care class next month, but that’s it. I’m going straight to amazon. Right now. Here I go.

      Also.. 26 days. Shit dude. I’ll do some Hail Niecys for you. Good luck!!!

  2. Oops. Don’t let my anxieties become yours! You’ve got plenty of time still. I just keep reminding myself that my mom did it without knowing anything, and she didn’t have the Internet to turn to either. We’ll be fine. (We’re taking the infant care class the week before she’s due, along with an infant CPR class. Another reason to hope she doesn’t come early, but if she does, we’ll still have the Internet…)

    1. I may have spent a large portion of this morning watching videos on babycenter. I learned how to swaddle and bathe the kid and some stuff about how breastfeeding is not as easy as boob–>mouth. So you can watch those, too. But you’re totally right. All the moms did it before. And a lot of them were probably idiots. But their kids lived and went to community college and life wasn’t that bad.

      We can do it!! I think.

  3. Your blog is so full of awesome I can hardly stand it! Congrats on having only ten weeks left to go before you meet your baby- it’s a bloated and constipated ten weeks, but worth it!

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