I Am About As Patient As I Am Humble. And I Am the Most Humble. I Am the Best At Being Humble. SO HUMBLE.

I talked some really big game for the past four months or so. No finding out the sex of the baby for me. We want to do everything gender neutral, so we can be responsible adults and reuse all the stuff from this baby with our future other babies, all 20 of them. Gender roles and stereotypes were coming nowhere near my clearly-above-that child. Take your blue overalls, your Disney Princess garb, your Cars memorabilia, your tutus. Take all of that and shove it because it was not getting within a five-mile radius of my androgynous fetus.

And then we went to our ultrasound yesterday and I caved like a poorly constructed cave and I saw my baby’s penis.

I have censored my fetus's penis for those who get really upset about public displays of penis.


The ultrasound tech printed us out a ton of pictures, the first of which was baby’s first crotch shot. I like that she used an arrow to point to our son’s junk. Like I don’t know my own son’s son-parts! So it’s just legs and a penis up there, folks. The first of many embarrassing photos I will stash away through the years, to be used as a tool of deflection against the girls/trash he will bring home who will never be good enough for my son. Or boys/trash. Gay or straight, I don’t discriminate. No one will be good enough for my boy.


We are going to have a son. I am ready to remind Adam of this every time that I want to win an argument. I gave you a son. Not that he doesn’t already let me win way too many arguments. But I am prepared in the event that I may need ammo.


I have not once thought of this baby as a girl. Every time I have a thought that relates to my baby, my baby has been a boy. To be honest, I kind of wanted a boy first. The idea of my other kids having a big brother always seemed ideal. And little boys are the cuddliest poop factories on the planet, they love their mothers. And I need a lot of love, almost all of the love. So I wanted a boy. I am taking this all to mean that I have willed this fetus to develop testes and he recognizes my authority to manipulate the world as I see fit. Good to know my son knows who’s boss, and that his own happiness can only flourish beneath the happiness of his mother.


2 thoughts on “I Am About As Patient As I Am Humble. And I Am the Most Humble. I Am the Best At Being Humble. SO HUMBLE.

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